Alright. Your boy is home for the summer. Finally. That junior spring was really starting to look like it was kicking my ass, but I got through and now, finals and crap long behind me, I got a few things on my mind – I’m talking about summer, sun, World Cup soccer and sex. Lots of sex. Not necessarily for me, ’cause everybody knows there aren’t any girls in my hometown that I can realistically spit to anymore, but at least for the rest of you sly foxes.
Summers are always sexy – less clothes, girls putting up “Beach” albums on Facebook (you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t want us to look!), and always a few hot jams to go along. The best jams for the summer though, I think, are the ones that are both sexy and classy – that guys and girls can dance to without feeling like they’re listening to the soundtrack from a porno. (Sorry, Ke$ha, but calling me a “little bitch” doesn’t really make me want to show you “where my dick at.”)
So how do you stay sexy and classy at the same time? I sure don’t know, seems like every time I make a move on these girls I get called a “creeper.” (Who the hell came up with that term anyway? It doesn’t even make sense.) Anyway, even though I don’t have any real advice for you summer lovers, maybe you can take it from those who are doing it big on top. I don’t mean that sexually. Well, maybe I do… just take a look at the 5 Most Subversive Sex Songs of the Summer and try to figure it out.
5. Rihanna – Rude Boy
Even though this whole song reads like it belongs in the Vagina Monologues, I think Rihanna gets away with a lot of her X-rated references because, one, it is sung over a hypnotizing beat, two, nobody really knows what a “rude boy” is, and, three, the song has been played over the airwaves so much that nobody ever stops to listen to what homegirl is saying. But if you sit down and actually listen, you should be amazed that they allow this nasty little number to be played on daytime radio.
In her defense, it is from the album “Rated R” which means no admission unless supervised by an adult, but damn Rihanna, you really go off here… I’m blushing:
Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?
Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?
Take it, take it; baby, baby
Take it, take it; love me, love me
Tonight I’ma let you be the captain
Tonight I’ma let you do your thing, yeah
Tonight I’ma let you be a rider
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe
Anddd, I think I just came.
4. Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris – Baby
This song gets me because the subtlety is all in the disguise. Bieber may seem like a lovesick boy as he sings about the first girl he lost, but, if you watch the video (yes, that IS Drake at 1:21), what I think we realize half way through is that Bieber isn’t a little boy, but a hot chick masquerading as one. No wonder I can’t stop smiling when I watch him dance! The problem is, for me anyway, I think she’s into girls… and cunnilingus.
Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine,mine
Im going down, down, down, dooown
And I just cant believe my first love would be around.
No homo. (Seriously, its just a blog post.)
3. Ludacris – My Chick Bad
Luda’s got his sexual puns on tight in this one, and he’s apparently going with the summer theme of “bad boys and girls,” just like Rihanna (“ooo, that’s what a Rude Boy is?” Stop being so white, Marty.) Now it could have just been that a “bad girl” just likes to, you know, steal stuff, or maybe she owns a Harley, hell maybe she’s even a communist, but, according to Luda, a “bad chick” is required to ride a lot more than just motorcycles:
Now your girl might be sick but my girl sicker
She rides that dick and she handles her liquor
I knock a bitch out and fight
Comin’ out swingin’ like Tiger Woods’ wife
Yeah, she can get a lil’ hasty
Chicks better cover up their chests like pasties
Couple girlfriends and they all a lil’ crazy
Comin’ down the street like a parade, Macy’s!
I fill her up, balloons!
Test her and guns get drawn like cartoons
Doh, but I ain’t talk ’bout Homer
Chick so bad the whole crew wanna bone her!
You think that’s a reference to the Homer of Illiad fame? Something tells me “no.”
2. Timberland ft. Justin Timbalake – Carry Out
You see what I did with those guys names right there? Well, as genius as it was, its not even close to as subtle as the stuff in this song. First, how bout the opening line:
Baby, you’re lookin’ fire hot
I’ll have you open all night like an IHOP
At first, we should assume that Timba is talking about emotions here, and what the girl is opening all night “like an IHOP” are her innermost feelings. Give him some credit, guys, he did produce “Cry Me a River.”
Then it gets a little sketchy… but not too bad:
Let me get my ticket baby, let me get it line
I can tell the way you like it, baby, supersized
Hold on, you got yours, let me get mine
I ain’t leavin’ till they turn over the closed sign
Mind out of the gutter again, peeps. “Supersized” is not a reference to a certain male body part, but to Timbaland’s figure as a whole. He’s a big boned guy, so it makes sense that he makes such a deal about getting his sandwich after he allows the girl to get hers (and what a gentleman!)
As the song continues, I am fully vibing to this wholesome theme about talking to girls at restaurants. It’s just like the old days! But then nasty little Justin Timberlake comes in and blows the whole message to bits:
Baby get my order right, no errors
Imma touch you on the right areas
I can feed you, you can feed me
Girl deliver that to me, come see me
I was once hungry, Justin, now I lost my appetite.
All in all, Timbaland gets the job done. The guy just really knows his food – remember when he did that McDonald’s beat? I ate so many cheeseburgers that summer.
So, no, this isn’t as blatant a sex song as all you pervs may think. And it shouldn’t make you horny, just hungry for a McDouble (and maybe a piece of ass.) Who said that?
1. Now here comes the one that’s gonna knock your socks off, people. Especially you females. I know you’ve been bumping this song during your little jam sessions or whatever you all like to do while driving or drinking or both. And I know you have been crushing on this new artist because he seems like such a sweetheart with the ladies, but let me tell you, you have been fooled! B.O.B. – yes, the man who brought you that sweet little song with the chick from Paramore that everybody’s been putting up as their facebook statuses – is a pervert! Let me break it down.
B.O.B. – Nothin’ On You
“Whaaat? That song is about finding your one and only!” WRONG. WRONG. Now stop here if you are weak of heart, people. Cause this is all real, no gimmicks. I’m talking Lebron to the Nets type shit. I’m talking Janet Jackson’s nipple in the Super Bowl type shit. I’m talking some nasty shit right here. Some fucked up, unforgivable type shit. Proceed with caution…
In perhaps one of the most well orchestrated moves of sexual duplicity that we have seen this MILLENIUM, B.O.B. has managed to make what is possibly the summer’s hottest love jam a subliminal message for, well, I have no other way to say this, bustin’ nuts on chick’s faces. Okay maybe I could’ve said it better. But hear me out.
First, just listen to the song. BOB has to say “nut” followed by “on you” about a hundred times. And I swear, if you listen closely he might even actually be saying “nuttin on you” rather than “nothin on you.” Try and tell me that shit isn’t profane. Now I know this is supposed to be a tribute to women, but thats the genius in it! He’s got us all fooled. We think we’re listening to this nice song, but I’m telling you, we are all getting “nutted on.”
Make no mistake, he is talking about ejaculating. About busting nuts. And if you still don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a brief history on the obscenity “nut,” and y’all know you can’t fuck with etymology:
nut (nutt): American English. Slang. Profanity. Noun. The male form of ejaculation, most often consisting of, first, an orgasm, followed by the emission of seminal fluid. Popularized by HodgeStanson’s “Unforgivable” series. To perform a ‘nut bust’ or to ‘nut’ on someone is considered a great degradation in most cultures, though in the land of the Skeezers and Scallywags, it is a rite of passage. The first great nut bust occurred in the 70s when a pornstar misfired and hit his co-star in the face. The results were staggering – the video was sold worldwide, the star was made hero in the Industry, and the ‘money shot’ was born.
And if you’re still not convinced, try this: BOB is signed to Grand Hustle Records, the same company that reps Mac Boney, Big Kuntry King, and Xtaci – tell me that isn’t a group of deviants in the making.
So I’m sorry I had to go there, but at least I didn’t bore you all about how BOB sold out. And it’s just about time we had a little conscious consumerism around here. But don’t let this ruin your summer – we’ve been getting skeeted on unknowingly for years. Keep it hot, but keep it clean, too. I’ll be here, writing entries entirely too long for a blog because I have so much time on my hands now that all the girls seem to want bad boys this summer. But, for the one little chick that did help me find some songs to use in this post – you know all them girls got nuttin’ on you.