Benz and a Backpack

If you watched the game last night – Game 6, that is – then you might have noticed the Celtics were a bit… off. Now on a normal night I would be the last one to admit this, but when there is SCANDAL involved, like it was last night, then I’ll be the first to point it out.

It was during the National Anthem that I noticed something a little fishy. Christina Aguilera took center court, and normally this wouldn’t have disturbed me – a woman of beauty and Grammy fame – but as of late, you’ll have noticed that she’s been looking a bit different, almost robot-like, dare I say. You must admit, the normally vibrant and lively Aguilera has been looking paler than Edward after discovering that Bella is hooking up with Jacob Black in Eclipse (OMG, spoiler!)

So what does this have to do with the Celtics performance last night, you ask? Well if you listen closely to the National Anthem, you might realize a number of things: (1) It is a horrible rendition of the National Anthem; (2) Christina Aguilera is, in fact, a robot; (3) She was hired to hypnotize the Celtics before the game by scrambling the vesitbular system in their inner ears (associated with balance); (4) the Lakers were wearing ear-plugs.

Hit the skip for the circumstantial evidence that links Christina Aguilera with a Boston sports conspiracy.

Okay, you hear her voice at 0:48? The human voice cannot reach that pitch. And you can see it affecting Rondo at the same time. And how about KG at 1:18… you think he’s sweating because he warmed up hard? No, he is in physical pain. And then look at Phil Jackson at 1:36… absolutely unaffected.

So while all of the Lakers were ear-plugged and immune to Aguilera’s voice, the Celtics heard this:

So how does this affect the Celtics play? Well let me ask you one thing… when’s the last time you saw Sheldon Williams miss a dunk? EXACTLY! It was like someone sprayed PAM on the hoop we were shooting at or something, but instead of PAM, it was invisible soundwaves produced by a robot whore. The same whore, no less, that tempted Kendrick Perkins into leaving the game in the first quarter so he could bang her in the team locker room. You thought he was hurt? Come on! He had no choice but to go after that robot/succubus poonani.

You thought Kobe played great? You thought Ron Artest was just making shots that he never made in his wildest dreams? You thought Rondo wasn’t sharp and Ray just had an off game? Wrong. All of it, wrong. All part of a vast and historic conspiracy against Boston sports. This is the stuff they don’t break down at ESPN, the behind the scenes stuff that only professional hip-hop bloggers like ya boi seanermc can reveal.

And let me tell you one more thing, in case you’re not convinced. The Boston Red Sox held a 3-2 lead in a championship series in 1986. The World Series. The Bill Buckner game, of course. Red Sox lost Game 6, on the road, then lost Game 7 in Shea Stadium two nights later. The winning pitcher for the Mets in Game 6? Rick Aguilera. You think that’s just a coincidence?

So as we get ready for Game 7 (and Banner 18) we’re not exactly sure who’ll be singing the National Anthem (I’m hoping Justin Bieber), we only hope we can shake off this conspiracy and finish off what we started.

Oh, and I looked it up: the name “Aguilera” is derived from an ancient, southern Mexican dialect meaning “cheating fucking robot whore.” Just saying…

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